After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth