[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
bears
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?