Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*