I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.