INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.