I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.