When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.