[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
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[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.