[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You Might Also Like
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’ve been learning to cook.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.