I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like