A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.