Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am