[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.