My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?