[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You Might Also Like
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.