Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.