Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.