If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Can Happiness buy money?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.