[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
You Might Also Like
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.