People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.