Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert