ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My typo game is string.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”