on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You Might Also Like
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok