Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?