I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.