Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense