My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.