Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When your man makes a valid point
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Don’t we all.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?