If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Worst perfume name ever.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.