Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.