I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)