I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I can’t stop laughing at this
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”