when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me