*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”