ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.