Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.