My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.