The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I just ran a .003048K
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”