My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead