me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*