“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after