Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*