How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*