In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*