Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian