I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
That’s incredible! 👌
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.