“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back