Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.