Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
You Might Also Like
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Born to be mild.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.