Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals